Forget the Meyers-Briggs, the Enneagram, and the Sorting Hat

This test is the most scientifically accurate and spiritually uplifting

Gentle reader,

New year, new you, new insight. Take the Church Blogmatics personality test for guaranteed spiritual uplift.

(tongue in cheek)

Completing the test could not be easier; just pick your favorite in each row. If you don’t know anything about the rows, pick the one you think is prettiest.

Row 1: Eccentric mystic you’d most like as your bestie. (Julian of Norwich, Joan of Arc, Teresa of Avila, Thérèse of Lisieux)

Row 2: What you want to see a trusted pastor wearing

Row 3: Your preferred reliquary for display on your home altar or bookshelf

Row 4: Communion should be served this way

Row 5: Implement you would wield if needed for an exorcism

Row 6: Location for your dream wedding/dream funeral

Don’t agonize over your decisions. Just pick that first impulse photo.

There are 210 possible personalities here. At least, that’s what the computer told me, because my verbal GRE scores were way better than my math ones. I’m not going to lay out that many combos, but let me give you some ideas, and I’m sure you’ll recognize yourself.

If you’re a JNCohtLCCa (that’s a Julian of Norwich, collar, heart reliquary, lunchable for communion, crucifix wielding, catacomb lover), you’re probably almost definitely an Anglican or an Episcopalian but you could also certainly be a Methodist or that one Pentecostal. You mostly make sense; Julian had that vision of a crucifix, and she loves love, making the heart reliquary comprehensible, but that communion lunchable (you know, the little prepackaged thing) really has no place in your personality, which means you’re probably American or somebody who goes to a church that still hasn’t relaxed Covid protocols. If you’re male your spiritual gift is leadership; if you’re female, it’s hospitality. You’re almost certainly called to the ministry but the ordination board is going to raise an eyebrow about that lunchable thing.

Recommended reading for the JNCohtLCCCa: Tiffany Eberle Kriner’s In Thought, Word, and Seed: Reckonings from a Midwest Farm. Like you, it’s beautiful and tense and subtle and unexpected. Don’t miss it.

Now, say you’re a JAJaLPCc (in case you haven’t memorized the system yet, that’s a Joan of Arc, skinny jeans, arm reliquary, communion lunchable, plain wood cross, church camper). If this is your personality type, you’re probably a megachurch pastor or have plans to become one. You didn’t know what reliquaries are but you thought the arm thing might look good with your skinny jeans. You would prefer to just bring your Bible to an exorcism, but that wasn’t a choice so you went with the safest route, the plain wood cross. You are, in fact, a dazzling mix of safest route and true believer. Your patron saint is Martin Luther, and your life verse is Phil 4:13. Male JAJaLPCcs have the spiritual gift of leadership; the rare female JAJaLPCc is gifted with hospitality.

Recommended reading for the JAJaLPCc: Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. Like you, it isn’t what it seems, but it will get you asking some questions you’ve never asked before. Like, what is the mysterious knowledge? And who built this place?

What about the TLRfHTCl (Thérèse of Lisieux, robe, foot reliquary, Hawaiian bread, thurible bearing, Cathedral person)? We all know one. They’re difficult, but we love them. They try to keep the foot reliquary thing quiet. Your patron saint is Cecelia, and your life verse is Gen 1:1. You might get a tattoo of a Jesus fish or a Greek word. For the TLRfHTCl, if you’re male your spiritual gift is leadership; if you’re female, it’s hospitality.

Recommended reading for the TLRfHTCl: Tenth of December by George Saunders. If you’re a true TLRfHTCl, you’ll understand why I’m recommending it when you read it. Content note: language and various hard situations.

One of the most difficult personality types, the TAJhdWCCa (Teresa of Avila, jeans, preserved head, wafer, crucifix, catacombs) is also one of the most interesting. You might suspect the TAJhdWCCa of being a vampire, but you also might find them the most loyal and sincere of friends. The TAJhdWCCa is tenacious and serious. Their favorite hymn is probably “Let all mortal flesh keep silent,” but they generally despise all hymns written after the 18th century. They choose life verses from Revelation, and male TAJhdWCCCa’s will find that their spiritual gift is leadership, females, hospitality.

Recommended reading fo the TAJhdWCCa: The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. What? You’re a TAJhdWCCa and you haven’t read this yet????

I am a JNRhdHMCc. This personality type (Julian, robe, head of Claire of Assisi, Hawaiian bread, monstrance bearing, church camper) prefers reading books on the couch over preaching but will talk your ear off about Jesus if given the right opportunity. The Hawaiian bread thing is unabashed syncretism, because sugar is delicious. JNRhdHMCcs sympathize with the Corinthians but not so much with the Galatians. JNRhdHMCcs should know that, for males, your spiritual gift is leadership; if you’re female, it’s hospitality.

Recommended reading for the JNRhdHMCc: The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup, and a Spool of Thread by Kate DiCamillo. I’ll assume the title makes the reason for the recommendation obvious to any and all true JNRhdHMCcs.

What’s your personality type? What books do your recommend for your fellows? Let me know in the comments, and…

thanks for playing along with me today.

Grace & peace,

BFJ

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