90s Christian culture, a tongue in cheek quiz

Also not a Taylor Swift piece

Gentle reader,

Well, friends, I was working on a Taylor Swift hot take for today, but it needs a little more time to stew, and a student reminded me of this quiz I wrote for social media a few years back. I thought I’d repost it here, in a slightly expanded form.

It is meant with love, but of course, love must, sometimes, critique. Certainly, any critique here is aimed at me.

I hope you find it fun! Look for my slightly cooled down Taylor Swift piece in your email inbox on Monday.

Look, you can still buy the exact same puppets!

Were you immersed in 90s white Christian culture? A quiz

Keep a running tally of your score as you go.

1. The transition from Steven Curtis Chapman was a bit jarring, but you still sang “rain, rain on my face.” +2

   1. Bonus: you didn’t notice the manifest destiny & colonialism imagery in SCC +2

   2. Bonus: you noticed but it didn’t bother you, because why would it? +3

2. You worried about whether Amy Grant & Sandi Patty were still Christians +1

   1. Bonus: you worried a little about people who worried about that +2

   2. Bonus: you envied Amy Grant her curls +2

   3. Bonus: “Breath of heaven” is still your favorite Christmas song +3

3. You worried about how far is too far +3

   1. Bonus: you didn’t really want a definitive answer to the question +4

4. Listening to DC Talk’s song “Colored people” made you feel a little progressive about your racial politics +2

   1. Bonus: about your taste in music +2

5. You worried your infant baptism might not count +2

   1. Bonus: you got re-baptized by immersion, just in case +3

      1. double bonus: in a natural body of water +3

   2. Bonus: you didn’t worry because you knew your church got it right from the start +3

6. You received communion around a campfire with some shady elements (Cheezits? Koolaid? Twinkies?) +2

   1. Bonus: there was definitely no ordained person involved. +2

   2. Bonus: after communion, you sang “Friends are Friends Forever” +2

   3. Bonus: you cried while singing +3

7. You took some kind of chastity vow +2

   1. Bonus: there was a card involved, for you to keep in your wallet +2

   2. Bonus: there was a ring involved +4

   3. Bonus: your dad gave you the ring +4

8. You kissed dating goodbye +2

   1. Bonus: you kissed dating goodbye, but you kept kissing your crush +3

   2. Bonus: you read Passion & Purity +2

   3. Bonus: Passion & Purity left you confused +2

9. You had a crush on someone who played the guitar +2

   1. Bonus: you were the guitar player +3

   2. Bonus: you married the guitar player +4

10. You watched Carmen’s “The Champion” acted out live in a makeshift boxing ring at a youth event +2

    1. Bonus: you had a crush on the person who played Jesus +2

    2. Bonus: you had a crush on the person who played the devil +4

    3. Bonus: you played Jesus +2

    4. Bonus: you played the devil +5

11. You were ministered to by clowns +3

    1. Bonus: you were ministered to by puppets +2

    2. Bonus: you were in a puppet ministry +3

    3. Bonus: you were in a clown ministry +5

12. You witnessed at school by:

    1. wearing a t-shirt that read: TGIF (Thank God I’m forgiven) +1

    2. visibly carrying your Bible +1

    3. wearing a cross necklace +1

13. You know what the following songs have in common: “His cheeseburger,” “The Water Buffalo Song,” “Oh Where is my hairbrush?” +2

    1. Bonus, 1 point for each name for which you can recall the appropriate vegetable:

       1. Bob

       2. Larry

       3. Jr.

       4. Laura

14. You wrote your sins down and then burned the paper +2

    1. Bonus: You nailed the paper to a cross +3

15. You highlighted your Bible +2

    1. Bonus: you used two or more colors +3

    2. Bonus: your coded highlighter system involved at least 4 colors +4

       1. give yourself an additional point for each additional color +X

       2. Bonus: you carried your Bible in a quilted cover made of floral fabric and trimmed with lace +4

16. You were on a Bible quiz team +2

    1. Bonus: you can still recite whole chapters +4

17. You know the words that go in these blanks:

    1. Shine Jesus Shine, fill this land with ________ +1

    2. Our God is an Awesome God, He reigns ________ +1

    3. And they’ll know we are Christians ________ +1

    4. It only takes a spark, to _________ +1

18. You sang solos of Ray Boltz songs in church +2

    1. Bonus: you had a crush on the singers of the Ray Boltz songs +2

    2. Bonus: You still know all the words of “I dreamed I went to heaven” +3

19. You went on a short term mission trip for which you were ill equipped +4

    1. Bonus: you wrote about it for your college admissions essays +4

    2. Bonus: your all white group visited a community of color +4

20. You read a Frank Peretti novel. +1

    1. Bonus: you read them all twice. +3

    2. Bonus: that got you pretty worried about the demons +4

    3. Bonus: you participated in a Peretti inspired exorcism +5

    4. Bonus: you knew you were safe from demons because the Holy Spirit +5

21. You made a bracelet with beads on a leather strap: black for sin, red for the blood of Jesus, white for being washed clean...+3

    1. Bonus: you were not aware of the racially charged connotations our culture might give to black & white beads. +2

    2. Bonus: you also wore a WWJD bracelet +2

       1. Double bonus: perhaps in a nice rainbow stripe colorway +3

       2. Double bonus: You did something Jesus wouldn’t do while wearing the bracelet +3

    3. Bonus: You wonder if Reese Witherspoon is aware of the derivation of her WWDD (would Dolly do?) line of products? +3

22. You got to high school early on Wednesdays to boldly participate in a Christian club +3

    1. you invited non-Christian friends to the club +2

23. You prayed at a flag pole +4

24. You attended a lock in +2

    1. Bonus: you did not sleep +1

    2. Bonus: you were aided by Mountain Dew +2

25. You wondered if you would be as brave as that girl at Columbine who said “yes.” +4

26. You led people to Christ using the four spiritual laws +3

    1. Bonus: you wondered if it was really that neat and tidy? +4

    2. Bonus: you’re still nonetheless in awe of the beauty of Jesus as the mediator between God and us +5

27. Add 3 points for each statement which is true of you as an adult:

    1. You’re really into the Enneagram.

       1. Bonus: you know your wings

    2. You’ve converted to some location in the Anglican Communion.

       1. Bonus: your parents weren’t too happy when you baptized your babies.

    3. You’ve discovered Reformed orthodoxy & are all in.

       1. Bonus: except for the T

    4. You’ve joined an anti-racist book club and/or become committed to local, organic food.

28. Add 1 point for each author represented in your current, adult library.

    1. Brene Brown

    2. Richard Rohr

    3. Frederick Buechner

    4. NT Wright

    5. Tim Keller

    6. Jen Hatmaker

    7. Barbara Brown Taylor

    8. Ta-Nehisi Coates

29. You’re a little old for deconstructing, but some of this makes you get it for sure +4

    1. Bonus: age is just a number, you'll deconstruct if you want to +4

    2. Bonus: you’re doing some holy remodeling. +4

    3. Bonus: you're glad Jesus is so much bigger than all this +5

I wore this bracelet all the time.

Scoring:

78 and above: Full immersion probably in a river. Might also have acquired the fire.

77-63: Pretty deep in that water.

62-51: Wade in the water children.

50-and below: Were you just sprinkled? You’re the wrong age or you’re taking the wrong quiz.

Those curls!

I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the scoring system. I wrote this quiz so I score a cool 120, but I’m held back by my lack of a purity ring. I found white Christian culture fertile ground for crushes though, so that boosts my score.

Also, I married the guitar player.

Grace & peace,

BFJ

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